Friends with Benefits

8 years ago, I made a decision to distance myself from an alcoholic friend. Him and I had a very unusual relationship. We were best friends, hung out everyday, partied hard, dated other people, and slept with each other on quite a few occasion. Outside looking in people thought we were dating. Of course our friends knew differently. I still don't know how to label it, but today I finally go the answers that has been looming over me for years.

For the last 8 years I have had very vivid dreams about him; very unsettling and very real feeling dreams. I have these dreams often about people. Usually it means I am going to encounter them or hear from them, but for this guy I didn't want to acknowledge them and nothing would come out of them, until a month ago. The last encounter I had with him was at the mall. He was walking in and I was walking out. He said my name and I said to him "I don't know who you are." My feeling for him go deep, real deep. I ended my party days, he hadn't yet and I knew I had to end our friendship before I got hurt. I loved him and he loved me, but we never could get past our own disappointments in our past relationships and I think thats why we never brought our own relationship to the next level. We didn't want to lose what we had, and I had just thrown it away. I knew it was what I had to do, but I couldn't help but feel bad for what I have done. My last dream I had was on December 27, 2010. Waking up out of a dead sleep, I ran to my computer found his facebook and just started typing away, explaining why I did what I had done.

Today, he finally read that e-mail. He gave me his phone number, then called me out on being a puss if I didn't call him. I sat here tonight shaking, knowing I had to. So I sent him a text. His response was. "Ya, but I hate texting r u able 2 meet me." The anxiety took over my body and I really thought I was going to hyperventilate. Trying to find the reasons in my head not too, I told myself, just do it. I needed to get some sort of closure from that part of my past that haunted my dreams for so many years. So I told him to come on over. I proceeded to call Kati and left her a message to tell her he was coming over. She called me immediately back, not even listening to my whole message. All she heard was, he was coming over and called me right away.

When he walked in the door, he gave me a big hug. The smell of him had all those old feelings rushing back. He smelt exactly the same. He was now sitting in my living room. He is slightly heavier then he was then and he is now wearing wired rimmed glasses which he actually always needed, but it was him. Before I could even get out what I was trying to explain to him in my facebook letter, he made it known he had to say what he had to say first. When he said, "I didn't mean to treat you bad then." I tried to interrupt him and tell him he never treated me bad, he quickly shut me up so he could continue to say what he had to say. He said whatever I did then to make you walk away, he didn't blame me, I had to do what I had to do. It was shortly after that he made an effort to get sober(which he is now). He said he hadn't thought about me in a few years up until a couple of weeks ago when he saw a Honda. Then thoughts of me flooded his mind. Weird, probably about the time I had the dream. He said if it wasn't for you then, I know I wouldn't be where I am at today. He didn't care about any of the people we hung around with then and could of cared less what happened to them and if any of them would of e-mailed him like I did he would of deleted it, but mine he was waiting for.

He had a laundry list of things going on in his life and I couldn't help but sit back and think, what if. Then we dove back into our past and I found out things that I had NO idea about. For instance, I was the only one he was sleeping with. As I sat there staring at him in disbelief, I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. From what I seen and what I was told he was sleeping around just like I was. I said NO WAY! He said I am sitting here stone sober in your living room telling you were the only one I was sleeping with I have nothing to hide from you. I told him I felt kinda bad, then he said don't I was a drunk. I knew I meant more to him then just friends, but I had no idea. We can't go back and change what happened, but we can move forward. Just so you all know he did get married and still is. Not a happy one but he is content. After all she did break his trust a few years ago and he still hasn't recovered from the event and yet again another disappointing relationship.

I do miss my friend. The times we had in his kitchen dancing to music and the late night talks have not been forgotten. He remembers them just as vividly as I do, probably even better since he had to refresh my memory on one particular thing he promise me, but I soon remembered. He drilled me on it to see if I would remember and I just couldn't. He said, when I die, I promise I will come and haunt you and he told me to this day he means that. The one thing I got out of tonight was that I was good at pushing men out of my life that probably could of been good for me and left me with that happy ending I have been waiting for. Having disappointing relationships makes it hard not to trust though. Truth be told, if I didn't push him out of my life, he may have not of gotten sober and helped himself the way he has. I am so glad and thankful he got well and that I got my friend back. My guilt for ending our friendship when I did is over, and even if our reconnect is just for a moment at least I got some closure. Now its time to move forward and see if those dreams will cease and hopefully regain the friendship we lost track of.

Letting Go

We all have those couples in our lives that we know shouldn't be together. You may like one more then the other, you may not like one at all, or you may love them both so much, either way we sit back and watch their roller coaster day in and day out. I don't know about you single ladies, but there is a reason I am single. I won't put up with bullshit. Yet, I have friends that are in relationships with all sorts of craziness and I say to myself "I am so glad I am single." Then I sit back and look at my friends situation and I start to get angry. I will say it, ladies we are emotional creatures and we act in stupid ways. I have been stupid in my day I admit it. Some of us outgrow it while others have men who continue to fuel it, and we just let it keep burning. It gets to the point where you let the little things start to explode for no reason. You could be texting your buddy about the basketball game with your girl sitting right next to you over your shoulder and she still will accuse you of doing something wrong.

I get angry. One because its unnecessary drama and 2 because once a woman gets to this point she starts emotionally scarring these men who could be great guys, but because you got so crazy you have now turned these great men with potential into giant assholes. Then a woman, like me, comes along to pick up your now ex-boyfriend see their potential and find out you really fucked him up and now he is acting a fool. I won't put up this this bullshit, so he is quickly finding his way to becoming my ex-boyfriend. There came a point in your relationship with that guy that you knew it was over and you kept it going. I understand, us woman have a hard time letting go and admitting defeat. I don't want to admit when I made a mistake. No one really does. The reason we don't let go is because we hate to see our men do better. We don't want to see the men who made us miserable move on to a better woman, making her happy the way he couldn't make you. Lots of woman want to keep them as miserable as they made them feel. The thing to remember is, you need to be happy too and life isn't always about you.

I hated watching my ex's move on and have happy lives with woman after they treated me like shit. You know when your ready to move on to the next step in your dating life when you can be happy for those men. I was obviously not made for them and the other woman was. That has probably been the next hardest thing for me to succumb to. It takes a lot for a woman to swallow her pride, its a huge pill to swallow. I wanted him as miserable as I was but there is no reason for anyone to be unhappy in a relationship and if your not its o.k. to move on. Your happiness will come and whether we like or not he needs to be happy too. We as human beings need to stop breaking each other down all the time. We are just causing damage to ourselves and all of our future relationships. If you find yourself in a roller coaster relationship its time to end it and move on. Let someone else love them and let everyone lead normal and happier lives.

I Suck on Paper

First problem, I am 33 and lets face it, men my age come with baggage. The only real true man that ain't broken are those 20 year old's that are all of a sudden taking interest. Please boys, as exciting as it sounds, I need a man. I am not saying all men are broken, but a lot of men near my age come with some sort of baggage. Some woman or women along the way have trashed his self-esteem in one way or another, making him afraid to approach any woman for starters. Then I had to realize that I probably am not exactly the easiest to approach. Lets face it I am outspoken. Chances are if I don't like you I will probably tell you. Not that I am trying to be mean, I am just being real about it. I am not about to lead anyone on, no matter how desperate I am. Well......that isn't exactly true. Who are we kidding here, I have needs too that sometimes I ain't afraid to dumb myself down too to fulfill. Next thing, Sometimes I have to step back and look at the people I surround myself with as well. We are basically alike. We call it as we see it. There is no limit on how embarrassed we make each other, but I wouldn't have friend any other way. So that situation in itself can make a man stand offish. I do see men that notice me that are probably scared as hell to approach. I have also been told by ex boyfriends that the men in my life are intimidating. For a long time I didn't want to believe it, but you know what they are probably right. Men notice those things. Woman want to pretend everyone is just playing nice. Maybe I have to admit to myself that some of the men in my life are probably protective of me. Since I can not change those things, I have to change my own actions.

Another thing that stands in my way is that I am not religious. I know what your thinking what difference does that make. Well, I have now limited myself to places I can go to meet men. Where do you go to meet these eligible men? The bar? Ya, that has worked really swell in the past. Not that going to the bar is bad, but my experience with men I meet there has been, for a lack of another word shitty. Never works. Maybe it worked for you, but for me, its been a train of bad luck. So now I have the next popular place to consider, the internet. Its fine and dandy, but I have no idea how to portray my as I really am on there. I know I am way more appealing in person. I suck on paper. 33, single, no kids, own place, good job, and got my own car...They think whats wrong with this girl. Too good to be true. What they don't know and you can't say is the string of bad relationships I have had and I have the ability to prevent a pregnancy to happen until I was either married or 100% ready to have one. I have had quite the string of really sucky men, but that isn't exactly a turn on to include on an online singles add "Ex in prison, one is married, and the other is sucking the life out of some other poor woman." I would run from me. They all come with a great explanation but it would take years to write all of it down and before I could get it all out, that man would be out with that woman on the next page that is slightly less attractive then I am with 3 children and 2 divorces. Which they seem to go to anyways, because when I leave all that out I sound like a dried out career woman that's pretending to be someone she is not. Like I said I suck on paper. So I find myself just out in the world looking for him and he isn't just walking up to me. He's out there, he's just scared as hell.

So, now I find myself wondering where too now. I have many girlfriends in the exact same boat as I am. We all have different reasons and life experiences, but all of us deserve to be loved by someone we want to love back and feel good about it. So we are left wondering where are these men are at. There actually walking all around us but ladies they are not running to us. Why? The men are broken too. We all have some sort of baggage and usually it holds us back from actually making a move. We have to forget about all that. I am a good person with a huge heart. I know how to cook up a storm, I am great with kids, I am independent, funny as hell and I love sex. I am already happy with my life, friends, and family. I am worthy of getting what I want. So, I am going to go and get what I want. I used to be good at it when I was younger. It was so easy to be flirtatious at 20. Men just ate it up and I wasn't afraid to do it. Time to tell myself to stop being chicken shit and flirt like I used too. Time to suck it up and find my inner 20 year old. This week I am going to compliment as many men as possible, random strangers of course.

In the mean time I am going to get my sex on again. That's right, I am not above friends with benefits. If those toys become more then boys then I am all open in the mean time I am no longer stifling my sex life. I put it on hold for a minute, but fuck all that crap. I am in my sexual prime and I can not take it! So time to give in and lower my inhibitions again. Sex makes you more confident too. Especially if your not in a relationship. I have this really strange ability to separate sex and love. Most woman can't. I have been told I think like a man and I think its just human. Even if your not having sex you should be masturbating. Orgasms releases endorphins which attracts men. Trust me it works. I think more woman need to masturbate. Single or attached it teaches a woman to be in control of her own orgasm. Lets face it men don't always get it right and you can't expect a man too if you yourself can't even figure out how to make your clit work. So ladies play with yourselves. Its o.k. So get ready to read about the fascinating world I call my dating life. The one I had in my 20's was really liberating and its o.k. to do that again. Just have to face my fears. So here's to a week of flirting wish me luck!

Disclaimer

Ever walk through the mall and see a couple and say to yourself, "How did she get him?" The woman is usually slightly hideous and he isn't bad. I do this often in many public places. I mean I have fun hanging out with me. I crack myself up a lot. I'm independent, have no kids, my own place, and a car. So why can't I find that guy, that ugly girl has? I have to say to myself I probably don't want him, I am sure there is something wrong with him. Its the only way I can feel good about being single and seeing that site. So I started a blog with a focus. A focus on being single and taking control of that. Who wants to be lonely and single there whole life. I sure the hell don't, so whats wrong? Well I am going to tell you why I am single and what I plan on doing about it. I hope to give all my single friends out there the courage to do the same through my own trial and error. Friends and Family, I am not editing this at all. If you read this you do at your own risk. I am very much well, and safe and mentally capable of handling any situation I am about to put myself in. The contents of this blog will be explicit at times. I am a sexual being and I am not afraid to talk about it. So, this is your warning to stop reading now or continue with caution. If you care to judge, that is your own prerogative. I however will not be up to discussing it with you on why it is or isn't wrong. I do not follow the same christian followings as my family. So they too have been warned. My belief system is very much my own and has done really well for me. I believe in things most do not understand. I am far from a prude nor I will sensor my words or what is on my mind. So I am warning everyone who reads this, I do not care if you think something is wrong because the bible says so. I won't even bother with those comments and they will be deleted. This is about to be a very fun roller coaster for me and all my open minded readers! I will not judge you, if you don't judge me. I love you all for you and I am still me and this has always been me just some of you may learn more then you thought you knew already. So enjoy my mind and what I am about to challenge myself to do.